For a while now we have seen films and read books that deal with women gathering together to discuss their dating woes and relationship hurdles with the men in their lives. Now, while the men are not totally cast in a negative light in these scenarios, it’s time for the guys to fess up. This week’s guest post is by Bad Swami, a man who dishes out the juice on what Desi men expect and think on the first date. It takes two to tango (two mangoes of course) and there are certain things a woman should NOT say to any desi guy on, especially during their first meeting.
Like many of you, I went on a lot of dates to find Mrs. Right (or in my case, Mrs. Bad Swami…we’ve been happily married for over a decade now). Being Indian, I dated mostly Indian women, since I felt like I had common ground with them.. Some dates were pleasant, but there was no spark. Some dates were boring, some were exciting, and some were simply WTF! Here’s my tongue-in-cheek list of 7 things you should NOT say to a guy on a first date (or first few dates). I hope you will find it funny and helpful, while allowing you to peer into a man’s mind (albeit a demented man’s mind).
“Do you want to see that new Matthew McConaughey romantic comedy?”
Gee, let me think…umm, no thank you! We don’t want to see a romantic comedy, and we certainly don’t want to see any movie with Matthew McConaughey in it. And while we’re on the subject, we really don’t want to see anything with Kate Hudson, Katherine Heigl, Julia Rolberts, etc. Please don’t tell us that Eat Pray Love or Sex and the City are your favorite movies, as this immediately triggers our “boring shield” to go up. Unless I suddenly sprout ‘lady parts’ one day, I will likely never have an interest in these movies. I know that relationships are about compromise and that you want to find a guy willing to suffer through rom-coms with you. However, this is a date, and an early date at that. Try to find common ground and a mutual likeability before pulling these horrors out of your closet. You might even go out on a limb and show some interest in sports, high tech gadgets, cars, goofball comedies (e.g. Get Him to the Greek), even if you dislike these things.
“I am such a shopaholic!”
Check, please! The dinner date is now over. I remember running for the exit when I heard this. You might as well tell your date that you’re a terrorist. Men pride themselves on being financially savvy, even when they are not. When you make statements like this, men envision their bank account dwindling right before their eyes, while you see your closet filling with treasures from Nordstrom and Bergdorf’s. Again, men generally have no context for a comment like this so early in a relationship, so in all likelihood, you are going to scare him shitless.
“I Googled you the other day and noticed that…”
Oh, so you are a stalker…that is absolutely terrific. We probably all Google someone before a date, but it’s probably best not to mention it out loud. Until he knows you, it is too easy to take this one out of context. They might think that you are going to turn into a fatal attraction.
This is in the same category as “When are we meeting each other’s parents?” and “How come you haven’t introduced me to your friends?” Yes, we guys want you gals to like us, but we also want you to have some impulse control. Take it easy, for pete’s sake! Don’t assume that he feels the same about the relationship as you do. In some cases, the latest big thing in relationship insights is true, i.e. “He’s just not that into you.” In some cases, he wants to move along more slowly and deliberately than you do. If after a few months, you feel the need for clarity, just ask him where he stands. If you don’t get an answer that you like, you should politely suggest that you both go your separate ways. In other words, vote with your feet if you must but don’t pressure him into something he doesn’t want.
“I hate it when they don’t put the dressing on the side.”
Don’t be high maintenance. Don’t ask if the ice is made from filtered water. Don’t say, “I’d like a half-caf, nonfat, soy, latte with a three-quarter vanilla shot, just enough foam to be aesthetically pleasing, but not enough to give me a milk moustache, dusted atop with nutmeg.” Don’t ask if the salad has baby field greens versus the unacceptable iceberg lettuce. He won’t say it, but will think to himself, “Will you just please eat the freakin’ salad?” You’re essentially telling him that you are a nonstop pain in the ass. This date will not even make it to dessert.
“Oh wow, I guess I’ve been doing all the talking. Tell me about you.”
By the time you figure this out, it’s probably too late. Check your watch on your next date…if you have talked for 15 minutes without a response from the other person, you have verbal diarrhea. No one gave you permission to hijack the conversation. You might as well date a lamp so you can really get all your thoughts out without ever being interrupted. Lamps are great listeners. This is “it’s all about me” behavior which is not a good way to build the foundation of a good relationship. I realize that you may love to talk but a good conversation is two-way. An enjoyable date should include conversation about both parties’ interests that hopefully leads to a discovery of common interests. You’re preventing this from happening by dominating the conversation.
Ring ring! “Oh that’s my boyfriend…I’ll let it go to voicemail. Don’t worry, we’re sorta split up anyways.”
Not only should you tie up loose relationship ends in your life, but try to do so before jumping into the dating pool. Also never say anything like “I hope you’re not like my last boyfriend…he cheated on me three times.” This basically means you haven’t cleaned up your emotions or moved on enough from the last relationship. If you don’t clean up these loose ends, you’ll bring in more baggage into the next relationship than you think. Guys don’t like baggage, (the same goes for your social media baggage as well) even if you think they’re merely “carry-on bags that can stow easily in an overhead bin.” You certainly don’t want to start crying on a first date when talking about a past relationship or try to turn your hapless date into a therapist.
In closing, let me say that I think you can have a great next date and a great relationship, and that you deserve a relationship that makes you happy. But you’ll make life much easier for yourself when you take a little time to reflect on how the other person thinks and what you may be communicating without knowing it. If you’ve had trouble finding the right guy, it could just be a matter of time. If not, you may be just a few minor adjustments away from having more success. So smile, be flexible, be genuinely interested, and be easy to be with. Best of luck to you and don’t forget, your Bad Swami is here if you need him.
Guys, what are some things you have heard girls say to you on a date that left a good or bad impression?