The courtship stage is certainly an important one, or so says the endless romantic films, romance novels and idyllic stories we are so used to. What is important to remember is that, those lovey-dovey things that happen during courtship, such as holding hands, kissing and expressing interest through body language, all come from inner confidence, and ultimately, who you are. This week ControvershiL tells discusses how to navigate through this stage in the relationship process.
Dear CS.,
I am a 20 something male living in India. I once dated this girl that I connected with on unimaginable levels. We would talk for hours and text each other all day long. After about 7 or 8 dates, I realized that we had not held hands or kissed. Now, call me conservative, but at the time, I just assumed that’s how things worked. Looking back, I’m thinking that was a mistake, because we are now in the proverbial “friend zone”.
I’m wondering if you could give me some advice on how and when one should make “the move”. I’m not looking to date for the sake of dating. I’m looking to get married. Whether it be holding hands, kissing, and pretty much anything related to “flirting” without making her feel like I’m not taking it seriously?
Thanks,
Friend Forever.
~~~
Dear FF.,
The entire time I read your email, I kept going “aww”. This is mostly because it’s great to hear a guy so concerned about how a girl perceives him. It’s really refreshing and I must say that no matter what anyone says (including me), keep at it. There are very few of you around and when I find one of you, I try to avoid shutting you down.
Okay, so there isn’t a real methodology that I’d recommend in beginning your “flirting” courtship. I want to say that it depends on what kind of person you are, and really, if it’s something that makes you uncomfortable then don’t do it. Frankly, it doesn’t sound like that is you, but just thought I’d throw it out there.
I am thinking that this is just something you aren’t well versed in, which is perfectly fine. I think baby steps are the best advice I can give you right now. There is no reason to rush into some obnoxious flirty behavior just because you see it on TV or elsewhere in society (like my twitter feed).
And I don’t know a legitimate girl who would get pissed if you asked her if you could hold her hand. It’s endearing, and like I said refreshing. So if that is the route you wish to take, I must give you the blessing to do so. The same goes for kissing a girl for the first time. Of course there are body clues you can analyze to see if this girl wants you to “make the move”.
Biologically, there are always behavioral clues within both sexes that give off the “I’m interested” vibe. That being said, I can only hope that you could trust your instincts on whether you think a girl would be willing to hold your hand or accept/reject your kiss.
Many females tend to offer their own flirtatious cues that you can play off of. She might touch you slightly and lean in a little closer than usual. These are cues you can and need to play off of.
Things aren’t always going to be perfect. You will need to really get a feel of how you feel in your gut before you take any steps. Stay confident and positive, because you know how you feel and you know your own comfort levels. I wouldn’t say to stay in your comfort zone, rather again, take baby steps out of the comfort zone.
I hope this helps. Keep me posted!
Sincerely,
CS.
~~~
Have a question? Need some advice? Email Shilpa at askShilpa@twomangoes.com – You won’t regret it!
She’s honest, she’s direct and she’s controversial. Meet Shilpa, that NYC legend that everyone dreams about but never believes exists. A pre-med drop out, Shilpa received a graduate degree in Human Sexuality concentrating on sex, dating, and relationships. Outside of her obnoxious theories, she enjoys boxing, hip-hop, and her cat, Scandal. Speaking of scandal, Shilpa has her own blog called ControverSHIL detailing her own scandalous exploits.
